Written by Bri Wylde
KALE is a work of fan fiction detailing the lore behind the proof of teamwork Stellar Asset KALE. View the project on GitHub to learn more and to get started farming your own KALE!
Aila wiped her hands on her apron as she stood up from the sunbaked ground. A contented hum vibrated from the neat rows of leafy green bushels around her. She had always felt a connection to plants — even when she lived on Earth, but the link had grown much stronger when she began cultivating the land on Demeter. She was an empath for greenery, feeling their emotions as if they were her own.
The Kale radiated happiness this evening, the field she had been tending just days away from optimum harvest for Corium synthesis.
The sun dipped beneath the horizon, and although Aila longed to remain among her crop, it was time to head home to prepare dinner for her and her best friend. As talented as Hazel was at doing science, she was quite hopeless at making a palatable meal. In any case, Hazel had been working late since Dr. Fred had arrived a week ago and barely had time to eat.
Aila made her way to their small cottage, exchanging greetings with various neighbors along the way. She’d become something of a celebrity since discovering the most effective method for growing the healthiest Kale for the Corium experiments: 55 days of growth, 1.5 inches of water weekly, and precisely 7.25 hours of direct sunlight each day. She had also uncovered something more unexpected — three hours of “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC broadcasted across the field per day made the plants thrive.
Upon entering her home, Aila hung up her apron and opened the kitchen cabinet to suss out the evening meal. Shelves of Kale stared out at her from the pantry’s depths. It looked like it would be stir-fried Kale over diced Kale stems with crunchy Corium-Kale for dinner tonight.
Aila tossed some oil in a pan and fired up the stove. A scuffling sound came from outside, and her neighbor burst through the door without so much as a knock. “Something smells awful nice in here!” said Hamish, quickly making himself comfortable.
“Awh, Hamish, I’ve barely even put the oil on!” Aila said. “You might as well do something useful and chop up this Kale.” She slid the bundle of greens across the counter
Hamish dutifully started chopping. “How’s the harvest looking?” he asked as Aila started adding Earth spices to the pan.
“I think this one is going to be the best yet!” she gushed. “I tried Chopin instead of NSYNC, and I think that may be key. How is your harvest going?”
Hamish pushed the chopped Kale back toward Aila, who dumped it into the pan.“Bah, you know me,” he answered. “I’m not such a good farmer. Do you ever feel like you’re just… staring at plants all day?”
Aila laughed. “It actually feels like hanging out with my friends.”
“Well, not all of us have magical plant-talking powers,” Hamish grumbled.
The meal was just about finished when Hazel finally bustled through the door, hanging her lab coat alongside Aila’s apron. “Oh, it smells lovely in here! I could eat Kale every day. Is that a tender-leaf Kale sauce I smell?” she asked.
“Well, lucky for you, Kale is practically all we have around here,” Hamish said, jumping up to give Hazel a squeeze. “How cute was the sheriff today?”
Hazel glowered but returned the hug. “I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.”
“Hamish, stop embarrassing poor Hazel and set the table,” said Aila. “The real question is: how are the Kale and Corium experiments coming along?”
Hazel brightened. “Oh, wonderful! Your latest batch of Kale combined with the Corium Dr. Fred brought from Earth is the best we’ve seen. We may really have the cure for universal hunger! Can you imagine?”
“That’s fantastic,” Aila answered. “The next collection of Kale will be ready for harvest in two days, and I’m eager to see what the nutrient density and growth rates are. I think this crop is going to be even better!”
“Why not just pick the Kale tomorrow? Surely one day can’t make that big of a difference,” Hamish said.
Aila rolled her eyes. “The best Kale is harvested at 55 days, Hamish, we’ve told you that. Harvesting before then makes it ineffective in the Corium experiments.”
“Well, I harvested my Kale a week early, and it tastes just fine to me,” Hamish said.
“Then why don’t you cook us a meal every once in a while?” Aila answered before ushering the group to the table for dinner.
Just as they were digging into the green goodness, a frantic knock sounded at the door. “Hazel! It’s an emergency! Git your boots on, we need you at the lab pronto!”
Hazel leaped up from the table and ran to the door, yanking it open. Sheriff Roscoe stood there, silver spurs spinning and cowboy hat slightly askew.
“What’s happened?” Hazel asked.
“The Kale and Corium plants, they’ve been stolen! And Dr. Fred, too!” he said. “They done got scooped up into a purple spaceship!”
Hazel gasped. “Who did this?”
“We suspect it was the intergalactic supervillain, Zebulon! His name was printed right on the ship,” he answered.
“What brilliant reasoning!” Hazel exclaimed. “We must go to Governor’s manor right away. And Aila, you better come with. Lead the way, Sheriff.”
Meanwhile, aboard the purple spaceship, Zebulon tossed Dr. Fred in a cell. He was determined to extract the secrets of the Super Kale. “Then I can take over the universe!” he boomed as the engines fired up, propelling him and Fred further away into space.
To be continued…
🥬 Go farm some KALE