KALE: This Planet Needs Salad (part 2)

Written by Bri Wylde

KALE is a work of fan fiction detailing the lore behind the proof of teamwork Stellar Asset KALE. View the project on GitHub to learn more and to get started farming your own KALE!

After exchanging see-you-soons, Hazel and Roscoe hurried away from Aila and Hamish toward Robo-Stefano’s private meeting room.

“We gotta draw him away from here,” Sheriff Roscoe said quietly. “If the main AI catches wind that we’re suspicious, it’ll sic the governor on us faster than a tumbleweed in a twister.”

“How should we distract him?” Hazel wondered.

Roscoe squinted, thinking. “What’s he care about more’n anything else?”

“Well, if we’re talking about robot-Stefano, probably planting Meat plants. Human-Stefano just cares about his novel.” Hazel’s eyes lit up. “That’s it! We’ll pretend we know a publisher in town and tell him we lined up a meeting. He’ll drop everything for that.”

“I reckon that’s the best plan we got,” Roscoe said.

They burst into Governor Stefano’s office and, as usual, found him at the balcony, surveying the Kale carnage below.

“Governor!” Hazel called. “I have incredible news!”

Governor Stefano, whose shoulder had sprouted a second satellite, pivoted slowly. “Hazel. You have returned. Your continued presence is… Annoying.”

“Join the club,” Roscoe muttered.

Hazel shot the sheriff a glare, then plastered on a smile. “I have a friend in town who is interested in publishing your novel! He says amateur-hour spy novels are all the rage. We’ve got a meeting in 30 minutes!”

For a moment, something human flickered in the governor’s non-glowing eye. “Truly?”

“Yes! But we need to leave now. He lives all the way across town.”

Robo-Stefano hesitated, then clenched his jaw. “Let’s go.”

Hazel beamed as they ushered the governor out of the manor and toward the village.

Meanwhile, Aila and Hamish had reached the base of the north tower. They found an open side door, revealing a cluttered room strewn with papers.

“What’s all this?” Aila wondered, stepping inside and picking up a stack.

Hamish lingered at the doorway. “Aila, we’re on a tight timeline here.”

She flipped through the pages. “I know, but hold on. I think this is the governor’s novel. Look, it’s titled Dressed to Interface. There might be clues about the main AI in here.”

Hamish joined her. “Alright, but let’s be quick.”

Aila scanned the text. “The beginning’s just your standard spy novel.” She began to read: “‘Agent Brick Steele didn’t play by the rules. Mostly because he’d never bothered to learn them.’”

Hamish grimaced. “Remind me never to read that book.”

Aila smiled and turned to the last page. “This page just has `Beep boop beep boop.' The governor must have been fully overtaken.”

She flipped to the middle. “And wait. It says here that Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robots, or EATR bots, survive and reproduce by consuming Meat plants. No wonder the governor’s ripping out the Kale. That AI is planning to take over Demeter!”

Hamish tugged Aila’s arm. “Then we really need to find it. If I were an evil being hell-bent on taking over a planet, I would set up shop at the top of the tower. Let’s start there.”

On the other side of town, Hazel and Robo-Stefano were nearing the edge of the village, and Hazel was beginning to feel nervous. She didn’t know any publishers. How was she going to play this? Sheriff Roscoe had disappeared a while ago, and Hazel couldn’t blame him for saving himself. Her plan had not been thought through, and this stupid robot was about to expose her.

“Hazel!” someone shouted. “Finally, you’re here for our very important publishers meeting! And this must be the illustrious Stefano I’ve heard so much about.”

Hazel blinked in surprise to see Roscoe sauntering up to them from a nearby cottage. Gone were his cowboy boots and hat, replaced by a crisp collared shirt and (she could only assume) fake eyeglasses.

Roscoe gave her a wink before grasping Robo-Stefano’s hand in a firm shake. The governor, having grown a wheel in place of a foot on their trek to the village, wobbled from the gesture. “Let’s head inside and talk about this book of yours,” Roscoe said as they trooped toward the house.

They gathered around a quaint dining table as Roscoe rummaged in a cupboard. “Anyone want a drink? WD-40, perhaps?” he asked with a grin.

Hazel shot him a look, then turned to the governor. “Why don’t you tell our publisher here all about your book, Governor?”

After an obnoxious number of stairs, Aila and Hamish reached a door at the top of the north tower. “What should we do?” Aila whispered.

“Just go in quietly,” Hamish replied.

Aila nodded, pushing the door open and peering into the dim room. Near the entrance was a large empty box labeled Killer AI Robot Machine.

“What was the governor thinking, opening this?” Aila murmured.

“Shhh,” Hamish hissed, pointing to a motionless white pod at the far end of the room. Hamish crept closer. The machine sat silent, its interface blank. He tapped the screen, and it flickered to life, revealing a block of code.

“This must be the program it’s running,” he said, scanning the display.

“If only we knew how to code, we could alter the behavior,” Aila muttered.

Hamish glanced up. “I dabble.”

Aila blinked. “You what? So you can write a new program?”

“Let’s find out.” A keyboard appeared on the screen, and Hamish began furiously typing.

Meanwhile, back at the cottage…

“So, the assassin turned out to be Agent Steele’s long-lost identical twin?” Roscoe was saying, halfway through a summary of the governor’s plot.

Suddenly, Robo-Stefano’s head snapped up. “System compromised,” he intoned before leaping from his chair and bolting for the door.

“Uh oh, they must have found the main AI!” Hazel said, scrambling after him. “Governor, wait!”

But it was no use. Stefano had sprouted another wheel and was already tearing down the cobblestones toward the manor.

Back in the tower, beads of sweat trickled down Hamish’s face as he continued mashing the keyboard.

“Hamish, hurry!” Aila urged, watching from the window as Robo-Stefano sped toward them in the streets below.

“I think I’ve got it!” Hamish shouted, slamming the Enter key. “This should execute a program that saves humankind from destruction.”

They held their breath for one second. Two. Three.

“Stefano has reached the tower!” Aila squeaked.

A moment later, the pod sparked, hissed, then exploded in a column of smoke.

“Hamish, you did it!” Aila cheered, wrapping her friend in a bear hug.

Sheriff Roscoe and Hazel dashed through the streets. “We’re not going to catch him!” Hazel cried, watching Robo-Stefano speed ahead toward the manor. Just as he reached the front steps, smoke billowed into the sky from the north tower, and he skidded to a halt.

“What in tarnation…” Roscoe said as he and Hazel rushed to catch up.

Governor Stefano turned, looking dazed. “What… what happened?”

Hazel stepped forward, eyes wide. “Governor, is that you? Human-you?”

“Of course I’m me,” he said, blinking. “What else would I be?”

“You were taken over by an AI! Hamish and Aila must have shut it down just in time!” She looked around at the fields of Kale still being ripped out by the villagers. “Governor, you have to stop them from ripping out the Kale!”

“What? Why would they… oh no.” He took off down the road, shouting. “Stop tearing up the Kale! I repeat! Leave the Kale in the ground!”

Roscoe threw an arm around Hazel. “Well, I’ll be. We done it again, darlin’.”

Moments later, Hamish and Aila came bursting through the manor doors, out of breath but grinning.

“We did it!” Aila cheered. And the group pulled into a triumphant hug.

As the smoke drifted behind them and Stefano shouted across the fields, Hamish glanced up at the tower. “Let’s just hope,” he said, “that whoever programmed that robot doesn’t come back.”

The end of KALE: This Planet Needs Salad