Written by Bri Wylde
KALE is a work of fan fiction detailing the lore behind the proof of teamwork Stellar Asset KALE. View the project on GitHub to learn more and to get started farming your own KALE!
The HMS Frederique Hamilton Badgersworth touched down at Demeter’s docking bay in a plume of purple smoke. Hazel, Sheriff Roscoe, Hamish, Aila, and a freshly rescued Dr. Fred disembarked, eager to break the news of Zebulon’s defeat to Governor Stefano.
They trooped into the governor’s private meeting room to find Stefano standing at his balcony, scanning the Kale fields.
“Governor Stefano!” Hazel called, rushing forward. “We did it! We saved the Kale and Corium, and Zebulon has been blasted off into space! Isn’t that wonderful?”
Governor Stefano executed a 180-degree turn, eyes locking onto Hazel. “Confirmation received. Kale and Corium remain intact. Zebulon has been expelled beyond orbital influence. Victory parameters exceeded. Your performance commendable. We are… proud.”
Hazel stepped back, eyebrows raised. “He’s being weird,” she muttered to the group.
“Worse’n usual,” Roscoe said. “Governor, you doin’ alright? How’s that novel you’ve had yer nose in?”
“System integrity: stable,” the governor replied, swiveling his head toward Roscoe. Hazel noticed a small satellite protruding from the side of his head.
The governor continued. “Mood setting: pleasantly occupied. The novel you referenced has been completed.” His head tilted slightly. “I have now begun authoring a narrative of my own. Genre: Spy fiction. Title: Dressed to Interface. Protagonist: agent with twelve identities and no past.”
The group exchanged wary glances.
“Uh, good for you, Governor,” Aila said. She turned to the others. “Let’s get outta here,” she murmured.
“So long, humans,” Stefano intoned as the group followed Aila out of the room.
“Well, that was bizarre. Did you see that one of his eyes was red?” asked Hamish as they stepped outside.
“Yeah, and he had a satellite sticking out of his head,” said Hazel.
“Hard to miss somethin’ like that,” drawled Sheriff Roscoe.
A sense of unease settled over the group as they made their way toward the residential quarter. Along the way, they noticed many townsfolk ripping Kale plants from the ground.
Hazel rushed toward one of them. “What are you doing?” she cried. “Why are you pulling up the Kale?”
“Direct order from Governor Stefano,” the citizen replied. “We’re to remove all Kale to make way for the new Meat plants.”
Hazel gaped. “Meat plants?” she exclaimed. “Our Kale and Corium experiments were about to save humanity from universal hunger! This doesn’t make any sense!”
Sheriff Roscoe placed a steady hand on Hazel’s shoulder. “C’mon,” he said. “Let’s head back to the governor’s house and see what in tarnation he’s up to. Doc, why don’t you hang back, see if you can talk sense into these folks.”
Fred nodded in agreement. “Not to make a bad situation worse,” he said. “But the Kale plants account for the majority of atmospheric oxygen generation. Their removal would make the planet uninhabitable for humans within 24 hours. I would be quick about figuring out what’s going on.”
With that grim warning, the crew made their way back to the governor’s private meeting room. Stefano stood once again at the balcony, overlooking the soon-to-be-ruined Kale fields. A faint buzzing emitted from his stationary form.
“Governor,” Hazel said desperately. “The town is ripping out the Kale plants! Why would you order this? You’re destroying everything we’ve worked so hard for!”
Governor Stefano pivoted around, Kale leaves fluttering in the breeze beyond the window. “Hazel,” he said. “Resource reallocation is necessary to ensure planetary sustenance optimization. The previous model was… inefficient. This new directive increases caloric yield by 417%. You have my assurance: all changes are for the greater good. You may continue trusting me.”
Hazel wrung her hands, visibly distressed.
Aila stepped forward. “Okay, Governor. We trust you,” she said, definitely not trusting him. “C’mon, guys. We were mistaken. Everything is fine. Let’s go.” She quickly steered everyone out of the office and into an empty room down the hall.
“The governor is obviously compromised,” Aila whispered, glancing furtively over her shoulder.
Roscoe tipped his hat back, eyes narrowing. “Yeah, question is… compromised by what? What kinda creature needs meat plants to survive?” He glanced at Hamish, who was fiddling with some kind of gadget. “What’ve you got there?”
Hamish looked up. “Well, given the satellite sticking out of his head and the glowing murder-eye, I’m guessing the governor’s been taken over by some kind of robot.” He held up the device. “While we were in the room, I used the satellite’s signal to triangulate the main AI’s approximate location in the manor. It’s somewhere in the north tower.”
“Hamish, you unexpected genius! We must go to the tower and destroy the machine before all our Kale is wasted!” Hazel whisper-yelled.
“Reckon we oughta split up,” Roscoe said. “Me'n Hazel’ll keep our Robo-Governor distracted, you two go hunt down that main AI.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Aila answered, a determined gleam in her eye. “Good luck.”
End of part I
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