Written by Bri Wylde
KALE is a work of fan fiction detailing the lore behind the proof of teamwork Stellar Asset KALE. View the project on GitHub to learn more and to get started farming your own KALE!
Onboard Zebulon’s spaceship, aptly named The Zebulon, Fred gazed out his cell’s window into endless space. How could he have let slip that the Corium was the secret to creating delicious and nutritious Kale? Zebulon could do anything with that knowledge. If Corium could make kale appetizing, who knew what other powers it might hold?
The Zebulon hurtled onward toward planet Tharaxis, and the ship’s namesake continued to pace, joints squeaking as he muttered to himself. Fred discerned words like “Hyperion fuel” and “Orbital Cannon” amongst the musings, which didn’t sound promising.
A tiny green alien sidled into the room. “Sir?” it squeaked. “A passenger pod is approaching the ship.”
“Open the dock,” Zebulon said. The alien inclined its head in acknowledgment and skittered away.
Several minutes later, a lanky, bespectacled man strolled in, a sheaf of paper in his arms. “Perry, how kind of you to finally show up,” Zebulon rumbled.
Perry flicked a speck of kale off of his otherwise pristine lab coat. “Yes, well, it took me some time to locate Dr. Fred’s reports.”
“Perry!” Dr. Fred gasped, grasping the bars of his cell. “You’ve betrayed me!”
“Why, yes, I have, actually,” Perry said with a slight frown.
“But why?”
“Well, science doesn’t pay that well,” Perry answered. “And, actually, Zebulon is my father. Can’t you see the resemblance?”
Fred eyed the giant purple robot standing next to the young man. “Uh, sure?”
Perry flipped through the papers. “I’ve collected the results of the Kale experiments,” he said. “There is more Corium to be mined on Earth. I suggest we seize as much of the substance as possible and run our own experiments — proper ones, this time.”
Zebulon’s massive frame shifted, metal plates grinding together. “Excellent,” he said. “You, Dr. Fred, and the Corium-Kale will be delivered to Tharaxis to conduct further experiments while I lead my army to Earth. I expect promising results from combining Corium with the Orbital Cannon’s fuel. With that, we’ll unleash devastation upon the universe!”
Fred hung his head in despair as Perry and his pops laughed loudly, striding toward the door.
Meanwhile, the HMS Frederique Hamilton Badgersworth was closing in on The Zebulon, but not quickly enough to intercept it before reaching Tharaxis. Sheriff Roscoe glanced at Hazel, who held the tracking device up to her ear, face pinched in concentration.
“What’re you doin’ there?” he asked.
Hazel looked up. “Well, I also installed audio recording devices onto my beakers. I can hear what Zebulon is plotting.”
Roscoe chuckled. “Audio recording, huh? Well, aren’t you just full of surprises? So what’s he sayin’?”
“Zebulon is dropping Dr. Fred off at Tharaxis before heading to Earth to drain the Corium reservoirs,” she said, frowning. “And Perry’s there too — sounds like he’s betrayed us.”
“Perry?” Sheriff Roscoe scoffed. “That no-good varmint? Never trusted that weasel one bit.”
Hazel nodded her head in agreement while Aila studied the navigation system. “I think we can reach Earth before The Zebulon,” she said.
“We’ll head ‘em off at the pass,” Roscoe drawled as he punched a few buttons on the dashboard, redirecting the ship.
“What will we do when we get to Earth?” Aila asked nervously, reaching for her cup of tea.
“We’ll have to set a trap for Zebulon,” Hazel answered. “We’re no match for him in strength, especially since he’s bringing a whole army.”
“That bastard,” growled Roscoe.
“Set a trap? What kind of trap?” Aila asked, her shaking hands betraying her trepidation as she spilled tea across the dashboard.
“I know it’s scary, Aila, but we’ll figure it out,” Hazel said. “We should have cleaning supplies in the broom closet, be right back.”
Hazel hurried out of the flight deck, mind reeling. She had no idea how to trap a giant robot-alien-man, and they had to think of something fast. Reaching the closet, she yanked open the door… to find Hamish huddled on the ground, looking sheepish.
“Hamish!” Hazel cried. “What are you doing here?! We told you to stay behind!” She grabbed Hamish’s arm and hauled him upright.
Hamish hung his head. “I just wanted to be helpful,” he said.
“What’s all the commotion back there?” Roscoe called from the flight deck.
“It’s Hamish!” Hazel answered, dragging the man to the front of the ship. “He snuck into the broom closet!”
“Oh, Hamish, what have you done? What about the Kale fields?” groaned Aila, taking his backpack from him. “Gosh, this is heavy. What did you pack?”
“It’s just my laptop,” Hamish said.
“What, is it from the 1980s?” Hazel asked, opening the bag to take a peek. “Hold on, Hamish, you didn’t bring your laptop! You grabbed the WAZWXL 5000!” she said, pulling a large ray gun out of the bag.
“I’m sorry, the what now?” Hamish asked.
“The Wharp-a-Zoom Whooshinator XL 5000, the most powerful teleportation tool this side of the universe!” she squealed, brandishing the device.
“Woah, watch where you point that thing, darlin’,” Roscoe said, ducking his head.
“This is just the thing we need for a Zebulon trap! He steps off his ship and KA-POW; he’s gone!” Hazel said.
“Well, dang, this fella came in handy after all. Now, how in the heck did you mistake your computer for a ray gun?” Roscoe asked, ruffling Hamish’s hair.
Hamish batted Roscoe away. “Ah, geez, my dad always said I had two left hands.”
“Well, you saved the day today, Hamish!” Aila said, throwing her arms around her friend.
With Earth looming ahead and their plan coming together, Hazel and crew braced themselves for the ultimate Zebulon showdown to save the universe. And the Kale.
To be continued…